The break up; my achy heart

I'm still twenty and I'm no longer in a relationship. Barely a month after I started dating this awesome guy, I got dumped. Since this is the first time in my life this is happening to me, I feel so horrible. I always do the dumping, now i'm being dumped. No, this is not about my ego, this is about the pain i feel about loosing someone i love. It sucks and it hurts. it's like forcefully removing two gummed piece of cotton and not minding the damage, wool flying all around and oh the mess! I literally hold my chest sometimes to make sure my heart isn't falling out. The shock to realize that suddenly he is no more part of your life, the things you wanna tell him then hang up when you remember you can't call him and the anger you feel towards him for not realizing all these and not giving you a benefit of the doubt. I've gone over and over in my mind and read over and over the chats that lead to the break up and the more i read, the more my heart breaks. He says we have different beliefs (I'm feminist, I believe in equality for everybody and I have a very shaky relationship with God-if any) and so it will be a problem in the future; if we can't have the future, then we can't have now. How come everybody gets his point but not me? And maybe they are right and he is doing both of us a huge favor but there is nothing favorable about how I feel. Somehow and sometime soon I hope to come to terms with dealing without him and going back to my default settings but now I'm allowed to mourn the absence of my friend and love, his laughter, his teasing and the daily chats.

Now that I'm 20

NOW THAT I'M 20 I turned 20 a few days ago and I didn't feel any different than I felt when I was 19. In fact, a day after I clocked 20, I still cried over a trivial issue as I used to when I was a teenager. There was no life changing occurrence that marked my twentieth birthday, no fireworks, no amazing record of accomplishments; I didn't even get a cake! I was however nostalgic on the eve of my birthday being my last day as a teenager. I spent the day mainly surfing the social networks. I remember tweeting 'my last day as a teenager #mixedfeelings' and I didn't get any retweet and nobody replied me either but I did myself a favor by clicking the favorite button. In my own way just like the rest of my generation, I documented the last few minutes of my teenage life on twitter. However as the clock clicked signaling the dawn of a new day, I had loyal friends who stayed awake just to wish me a happy birthday and I felt so lucky because deep down I knew I had people who cared about me. I might not have accomplished a lot during my teenage years (if you do not count the many novels I’ve read and the many TV soaps I’ve seen) but I do give myself some credit for having the kind of friends I do. Ever since my birthday I’ve been faced with what my life should mean now. How more responsible I should be, the kind of daughter, sister, friend and girlfriend I should be. And oh yes, I said 'girlfriend'! At the dawn of my 20th birthday I officially started dating this cute boy I’ve known for a while. He is amazing in so many ways and I feel lucky to have him. However responsibility is still the issue for me. I get mad when I have to do anybody else chores with mine, I only do some of my works when the clock is about to run out on me and yes, I’m very scared of the unknown. And being twenty means that the excuses I had for being these things and more are gone. Now, I’m scared I might not get my mom to make 'the adolescence' excuse for my inabilities again and really treat me for the adult that I am. Believe me, as much as I craved adulthood and demanded to be treated like one during my teenage years, I still liked the fact that I could misbehave and it would be chunked up on the account of my childishness. And now, I do not have that luxury anymore, nobody would account my misgivings for childishness but foolishness. Yesterday I did some net surfing about what it means to be twenty and I got some interesting results. I read on Forbes what twenty year old people should know and I diligently read it. The more I read, the more confused I became; I felt these people expect an awful lot from twenty year olds! Saving? Not letting my material needs equal my financial income? C'mon! I don't even have an official financial income, my parents still reimburse me, and I spend most of my day worrying about my GPA! I think that article should be for twenty one year olds. At least from now till my twenty first birthday, I could read it more diligently and make more sense of it and I won't feel so at loss. The more interesting article I found is the coming of age celebration for Japanese twenty year olds. Reading it, I envied the Japanese. If I was Japanese, at least someone would take my twentieth birthday serious like I do. Here, people are just waiting for me to turn twenty one. Apart from the fact that there might be a big party I would be a university graduate (if ASUU doesn’t mess with that) and life as I know it would end. The life as I know it is however still very much confused now that trying to decipher it seems to be a waste of time. I’ve however decided to be simply excellent. I would be the best daughter I could be, the best sister there is (this would be rather difficult), the best friend, the best girlfriend, the best student and the best twenty year old I could afford to be. I realize time is fast ticking, why not make the best use of the next one year before life as I know it might officially end.